Looking back is difficult of how things use to be
My mind was consumed with my OCD
I remember the guilt the shame the anxiety
That took over my life and truly controlled me.
Restless nights laying in bed,
Intrusive thoughts marching through my head
All i wanted was to put my worries at bay
So I’d partake in several compulsory rituals every single day.
Days would go by, they felt like years
I was continuously battling my innermost fears.
My OCD drove me around the bend
I prayed day upon day that it would come to an end.
One night I simply couldn’t bear it no more
I fell to my knees and sobbed on the floor
My Mam came over and promised the best
My heart was pounding within my chest.
I knew from there I would soon be alright
I fell sound asleep for the whole entire night.
My favourite memory is when I was about five
it was my first holiday and I just learned how to swim.
When I looked under water and it feels like nothing else,
I felt as free as a swan.
When I finally lifted my head out of the water
I felt refreshed like I had no worries.
I wish I could go back to that memory.
I have a lot of worries now
most of the time I can’t even concentrate in school.
Society has changed
Since I was five.
There was no talk about mental health.
The internet has made these images of girls and boys
Everyone needs to be like them.
Girls and boys get EDs over this and depression.
I love my brothers
Even when they call me names
And tell Mam I’m the one to blame.
They are always there through thick and thin
And when I’m upset they’d give me
The last biscuit in the biscuit tin.
My big sister is the most important person in my life
Also she moans about everyone not doing anything in the house
My Mam stresses about money everyday
My dad spends the money that my Mam stresses about in the wrong way.
When my grandad died it changed my dad’s life.
He really did get a big fright.
When I’m older I want to bring my dad to Las Vegas
It’s on his bucket list
And because he deserves it.
I love my little sister
But I want to push her down the stairs.
But then I think of the picture
Of her holding her teddy bears.
I’m asleep when I hear the sound.
I wake up with a fright
She walks into my room crying
And i fall asleep
Holding her tight.
She tells me that I’m lying
When I say I’m too busy to play
I tell her I have homework
So she watches me all day.
I hate people who talk about you when you walk past them
I hate people that make fun of me
I like that people talk to me, it was nice.
I’m too afraid to text ya
And talk about how i’m sad (about my sisters anorexia)
I run away and take pain
In a video game
My outlet for real pain.
I don’t understand what real pain is.
Since I waste my time
In a virtual world.
Why do you hate me just cause I’m foreign?
Man all these generic cunts are just boring
That includes you.
I thought you might be sound.
But you turned out to be fake.
That’s why I laid you out on the floor.
But you continued to hate.
I just feel this anger
This thing inside me
I just wanna punch a wall
But I won’t let you break me.
Now let me ask you
How does it feel
To know that this racism shit is real
Man this racism shit is real…
She was there to teach me how to cook
She taught me how to sew
He wasn’t ever there
That never really phased me though.
She taught me how to work hard
She had to since she did it alone
For all the things she’s done for me
My Mam deserves a throne.
And I know if I needed someone
She’d be the first one on the phone.
My mam is so sweet
Nothing can compare
I can always rely on her
I am never in despair.
My sister is very annoying
But I love her so much
I always say ?????
But I’ll be the first to wear a white veil.
Mise, is aoibhinn liom learning languages
Ach ta se an deachair
I love food also
Especially chocolate eclairs.
Ta se an chlann Tawyodh
Agus ta gra agam doibh.
I love football
It’s a break from
Everything that is stressing me out
an hour and
A half every
Monday and Thursday at 6.30
I love having the ball out
My feet running my boots
through the nice green grass.
And the happiness of putting the ball in the back of the net
all your teammates running over and celebrating as a team.
It’s the best feeling ever
I love it.
I love singing
But I fear people will judge me
When I’m at home I sing my heart out
But in public I never want to sing.
Some people say I’m great but
I see others laugh and snigger.
It hurts my feelings when people do these things.
I don’t like to sing in front of others any more.
My granny was the best
Seeing her was the highlight of my week.
She used to tell me stories and teach me
About life and people.
She used to tell me not to cry over little things
Because I was strong.
But I can’t help but cry when
I remember she’s gone.
The first time I rode a horse
I was terrified
I held on to the saddle and refused to let go
I just never really tried
I felt very low
I went home wrecked
My body aching
My mind was racing
My hands were shaking
I couldn’t wait to go again.
That was two years ago
I’m not scared
But I’m not excited to go
Riding is now more of a chore.
It’s a real bore.
I had a horse
He was dark brown
Always so sweet and gentle
I hated him at first
I took him for granted
And now he’s not mine.
Every bunny hop
All the hate
I’d live through it all again
Just to have him back.
I have a horse
She is white and black
She’s a bit stupid and headstrong
I don’t want her,
I don’t like her.
The first time I rode the other horse
I ran into someone seven times.
He wasn’t like anything I ever rode
I didn’t like him at the time
But I love him now.
The first time I rode her
She tried to throw me off
If she wanted to run
I couldn’t stop her.
I still can’t stop her.
People really don’t know
How other people feel
Saying awful things
Thinking it’s not a big deal
You never really know
What’s going on at home.
Does it bring happiness? No.
Lies bring frustration and anger.
When I confront you.
Truth is I already know the answer.
I see the guilty look in your face
When you stumble and stutter
And try to defend yourself.
I hate when people talk shit about you behind your back.
Not just that but also when they tell everyone else that know you, about it.
Now this makes the person that knows you to look at you differently
or in a bad way.
This ruins the bond or good relationship
that you might have with this person previously,
all because they were told something bad about you.
I also hate when someone is just so cheeky
with you and starts ganging up on you.
It makes me want to slaughter them
but I know I can’t do that because first of all I’ll go to jail,
second of all I’ll feel bad for the people
that will be affected by this person’s death
and third of all I won’t because I’m a good human being.
So my solution is to just ignore them
like they don’t exist in the world.
Half time the whistle blows
5 points ahead so close to the finals
The belief that maybe this time we can really win
The second half begins
The rain pouring down.
You barely feel the rain
All you can think about is
How bad you want this.
Girls getting tired and shouting
2 frees given away, 2 goals
The full time whistle blows.
Hurls thrown on the ground, girls crying
Everything we’ve wanted for so long over.
Gone just like that.
Grieving for the loss of something so important
As if it was a person you knew.
A feeling I’m more familiar with than I care to remember.