The hand strokes by
But the time is a lie
I’ve seen, seen, seen
And life is a breeze
The last drop has dropped
My cup has stopped
I’m on my knees
One more I say please
Refill my cup
It’s not enough
The heart needs more
The core of my life
Can no longer suffice
I can see it still as clear as day
It was our regular morning walk
But we barely made out when I saw where it lay
On the side of the road.
The bird had been knocked down but it was still alive
I know it was dying before I was told
But the thought of its family finding him cold and alone
Was too much for me to bear.
So we went back inside and came out with two bowls
One of food one of water, to ease his family’s pain.
But we never saw those bowls again.
I don’t want to finish school because
I feel like I will leave a part of myself behind.
I don’t talk to or get on with a lot of people in my year
But I will miss them.
I think that once I finish school I will not see a lot of them again.
People that I have a love/hate for won’t think of me again.
Then work and work and more work.
“But you’re smart” are the words which anger me the most.
Putting all your time and effort into schoolwork and then being told you don’t even have to try.
I’ll admit, sometimes it makes me want to cry.
Constantly being told by parents and teachers to do the best
and then feeling worthless, ashamed if I do anything less.
Feeling forced to do law or medicine ‘cause I may have the brains,
But knowing deep down that’s not what I want at the end of the day.
I love the garden
The place where a hardened
mind can soften.
Your words can flow
free from judgement
And show you comfort unspoken
by those who set their lives in stone.
Where trees and flowers are always grown
And all your deep thoughts are shown
to those who stand tall with no ears
Yet have the wisdom of many years
The garden is the place I wish to go when I die
And return to the land
Where I used to lie.
How can you judge them?
Have you ever been in their position?
Do you even know their intentions?
Their priorities are different to yours
And yet you continue to judge.
You giggle and laugh, but is it genuine?
How is it that you are better than them.
Another time, another case
Another family gone
I know it wasn’t my fault
Or was it?
Outside influences determine
Of our lives
We are innocent.
Family and friends
The source of my happiness
Each memory, joke, laughing fit, making it all worthwhile.
Through good and bad, tears of laughter and sadness.
My comfort blanket.
Almost like a part of me
They feel my sorrow, I feel theirs,
Like a ripple through the ocean.
I worry too much.
Worry about the people and the challenges I’ll meet.
I worry how family really feels about me.
If I died this second would you think about me?
I feel like I love something
But it’s out of my reach.
Sometimes it brushes my fingertips
Or nudges my shoulder
But I can’t quite grasp it.
When I catch it though
I don’t think I’ll ever let go.
I’ll tuck it deep inside
Until after someone lies.
Then forever I’ll hide.
Sunday evening my parent call saying we have to go
I groan and reluctantly part from her, kissing her goodbye
And load my books into the car to set on my journey, South.
Throughout the week I miss her, I spend my time waiting on her texts.
I am told it is an opportunity yet
It feels like a punishment.
The week drags by and Friday arrives.
I fill my bags as if to never return.
And rush home to see her again, she is the only reason for the weekend.
Whirlwind of thoughts, dancing around,
Struggling to keep both feet on the ground
So much to say, nothing comes out.
A quiet blank canvas that’s
Ready to shout.
Some may say boring,
They would be wrong, perhaps this place is not
Where I belong.
The motions around me are fogged (not finished)
I used to believe in fairies
What they looked like I can’t remember
But what I recall is that they sat with me
Their voices reassuring and making
the little things that bothered me seem small.
But when the bigger things appeared
The feelings of inadequacy and fear
That I couldn’t face alone.
I looked for comfort
and the voices were gone.
There is a weight atop my mind
And it’s slipping down my shoulders
It ties me up at my wrists
And holds me still.
Still as the storm inside my body
trickles rain down my cheeks and
falls upon the ground that I stood on.
The ground that I’m stuck to.
The ground I wish would open
up and knock me six feet
Where finally I am free,
And for the first time
I feel nothing, nothing but the
weight that still resides in me
Holding me down, pressing
until I close my eyes.
I am nothing.
I look around and everyday I see girls with sad eyes
Longing for what they can’t have
For what they’ll never be
People like you,
People like me.
Don’t try, we are all the same.
Images around us telling us
How to we must look and how we must live
I hate it.
I am indebted to
Some higher power
For my life
And those talents
Society demands are used.
There is a price to be paid
In this exchange without consent
For those apparent “abilities” which
Have no effect on me.
The cruelty of the price
Lies not in sorrow or isolation
But the fact
It is the greatest gift.
To keep you speechless
Fills me with calmness
To open my heart
And give you my pain
To feel happy again
Is all I ever want.
You don’t know me
Yet I want you to know
Of my memories and thoughts
My feelings, my heart
Should be on a plate
And I want to find you
Who will hold if for me.
And keep the worry away.
Is it cause my words are lost or stolen
I can’t say fag*** or nig*** or sl** or reta**
But words mightier than a sword or a pen
In our culture embedded
You see what you set out to see
Because racism is subjective
Gender equality is subjective
But your opinion is always wrong
Your words count, your actions don’t.
Feminism is a lie, racism doesn’t exist, LGBTQ is gay.
But their voices are muffled
Never to reach our ear
Their words, my words stolen, twisted, bended
Murdered for words, offended!
Imagine being a tree
They’re alive like us, right?
But they’re stationary.
They don’t move.
We shouldn’t complain
Life passes around trees while we pass through life.
Live life to its fullest
Make the most of it.
There are so many grains of sand in the sea.
So many stars to light the sky
So many people who try to see
The answer why.
Why is the age old question
Of who we are, without selection
So forward thinking of Gods above
Of living now, of finding love.
Of being who we were before
Of changing through our times of war
In our mind and in our life
Through our struggles and our strife.
The answer is, and please don’t quote
We’re here cause we didn’t build a boat.
Quiet times in my environment
Are the hardest times in my head.
Even till now I don’t regret anything I’ve ever said
Told so many lies, I don’t know how to say the truth.
Tried to tell the truth but it ended up
A lie, because I thought that was the safer thing to do
So many questions that need answers
So many answers I want to question.
Where did we all come from who really knows
Trying to get over my past quickly
But everything still comes back to me slowly
Just because we go to church doesn’t make us holy.
Just because we exchanged a few words
Doesn’t mean you know me.
I talk to much, make to much jokes
Only to hide how I feel inside
People are two-faced, that’s the way life is
Looking over my shoulder, after I confide.
Do people hate me, I can never tell.
I’m no one’s favourite, that I admit.
It would be nice to know, if I’m liked.
The world is as slow as the clever, idiots.
The people that find a way
That cheat the system, find the loophole.
The people that make it necessary
To have these weird rules.
“It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church”
I hate that we are as fast as the slowest camel. But most of all
I hate that I respect these people.
I hate that I want to be one of these people.
I never knew life with you would be this harrowing.
Wish I was someone else
Maybe if we had met in a different place
You wouldn’t have committed this crime
Tore my heart in two, set it on fire
But after all, maybe
Arson is all just fun to you.
I’m stuck, can’t move
Monster in the room
Can’t see, hear or touch it
It’s a special monster in a bad way
Stuck in your head and can’t get out
Its superhero name is Anxiety
Trying to get it out
But it’s locked away in your mind
With the key in the bottom
of the ocean never to be found.